Scars
by McGonagall's Bola
Summary: Sometimes you would rather hurt yourself than others. AD/MM -REWRITTEN!


**WARNING: **Self-injury

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I don't recall at what age I actually fell in mad love with Albus. I only recall at what age the power of it all finally overtook me. I was about seventeen years old, when I accidentally read about something called Animagi in a book in the library. I was more into books than anything else in my time as a pupil there. I sometimes regret not having wasted away more time with Poppy or Rolanda. Both of them were in my year, only in other Houses. Poppy's a Hufflepuff. Rolanda's a Ravenclaw. Most of the time I, however, don't.

I one day asked Albus about the piece I had read about Animagi. He used to be my teacher in Transfiguration, and since Animagi is a very difficult piece of Transfiguration, it was quite logical that I would ask him. We talked about the little Animagi known, and about the difficulty of becoming one, when he suddenly asked if I had aspirations. I hadn't actually thought about that, but didn't have to ponder so long, before saying yes. Albus told me that the path would be hard, and arduous, but that I would most certainly qualify to at least try.

I couldn't be any happier when he offered his aid two times a week, so that I could maybe take the test for the Ministry at the end of the year. The times when we two were together, I felt more comfortable than I possibly had ever been with anyone. I fell for him, and hard. I couldn't do anything about it. Albus' hair, and beard was still auburn, and the shimmer in his mesmerizing blue eyes already had the capability to draw me in even then.

Somewhere about the time of Christmas, it occasionally occurred Albus had to cancel some of our meetings. I thought that was something that could happen. Albus was a teacher at Hogwarts. He should have other things to do, too. As it happened more often, I, however, began wondering if maybe I wasn't good enough, and maybe he had lost interest in me as an Animagus-to-be. I never asked. I never asked, even though I often wondered, why he himself never became an Animagus either.

At the end of February that school year, it had already happened three times Albus had cancelled another meeting. I was disappointed to say the least, when instead of cancelling that day, he didn't even open the door for me anymore. He hadn't taken the time to cancel. Pondering about how to tell Albus I no longer wished to become an Animagus – untrue, of course – I turned, and began walking away when I suddenly heard his voice call for me. I still recall that day well. His voice sounded more strained than ever. I turned to find him leaning against the doorframe, as if walking away from it would cost him his consciousness. He only nodded his head to ask me in, and when he shut the door after him, and lead me to his quarters, Albus obviously limped. I didn't even given him any chance to apologize for being late, and just dumped innumerous questions on him at once.

I still recall how he calmly offered me a seat across from his, and he himself sat down, too. He then shared with me the reason for having missed some of our meetings. Grindelwald was full on his rise back then. Albus told me that once upon a time Grindelwald and he had been companions, and that Albus therefore somehow felt responsible for Grindelwald's deep urge for might, and felt responsible to stop him, and save as many people as he could. It had been the night Grindelwald had been taken to Nurmengard. Albus defeated him. Albus possibly never would have shared the news with me earlier than that day, with Grindelwald still left loose.

From the moment Albus had shared the news with me, we somehow behaved differently with each other. The line between teacher and pupil was thin, very thin, when we two were alone together, even though no touches or anything else that could be interpreted badly was there. I felt it, though. I somehow felt it with Albus, too. We never acted on our feelings then, though.

I passed my Animagus test second try. With Albus' occasional absences during the year, I had not been quite ready yet the first time, but had been able to impress the people of the Ministry with how well I could turn into a cat, and human once again second time. Albus' aid had shown.

The only time he ever allowed me near enough was the last day of my time at Hogwarts – the day I received my degree in Magic. He had hugged me momentarily, and said he was proud of me. That was the last I heard of him in years. I Owled him, and he too Owled me back once, but then it all discontinued. I initially blamed myself, and feared maybe I had said too much or something inappropriate in my last letter. I forced myself to move past it, but couldn't. Albus kept running through my mind. I was frustrated nearly all the time, and especially when after three months of hopelessly having tried to search for work. I began hurting myself as an odd way of dealing with all the stress that came at me.

I still recall the first time I did it. I accidentally broke a glass, and eyed the sharp pieces after accidentally having jabbed my palm at an edge. I winced, and intuitively pulled a cloth to it, and when the pain slowly passed, I realized that at the moment the pain had coursed through me I had not felt any stress, nor thought of Albus. I stole a rather sharp piece, and hid it up in my room. I was eighteen, and maybe should have been smarter.

I carefully eyed the piece of glass for hours that first night, just thinking about what it could do. The second night began nearly the same, and I actually dared take a gamble, sliding the edge across the skin of my lower arm just once. I experienced pain, but no longer stress or thoughts of Albus. I went farther every night, and I still don't know how my mother or father never found about the scars I hid underneath my robes. I once Owled Albus again about that time, hoping to get into contact again with someone who got me, but he never replied.

I went farther, and farther. My pain boundary got higher, and I needed more to create the same effect. I finally got a job, nine months after I had left Hogwarts, at the Ministry as an assistant. It wasn't so much, but at least better than nothing, was it? I soon got to know a guy there named Harvey. We easily became good companions, and lovers. Of the nearly two years I worked over at the Ministry, Harvey and I were a couple for one. We never lived together, but we had had some thoughts and all.

Looking back on it all, I could have known that maybe it was bond to end between us. I knew why, too. We did sleep together, Harvey and I, but we never truly became one. I allowed him to touch me with his mouth, and lay into the pillows accepting the thrusts of his fingers. I never could allow him to really connect with me on that level, though. Piece of me couldn't do it. Like I couldn't give him joy orally either. It was rather odd, really. He was rather sweet about it all, though I'm sure he wouldn't have been so sweet anymore if I had told him then that I thought of Albus every time he made love to me.

Albus gave me a surprise visit at the Ministry about two years after I had last seen him. He came looking for me especially, for he was in search for a substitute in Transfiguration, and had a hard time finding someone suitable for only such minimal period of time. Upon taking a look about my office, Albus told me that he knew I couldn't ever be happy there; that that couldn't be anything for me. He was very right, but I easily told myself not to believe him. After some cautious pushing from his side, I agreed to be his substitute for the weeks required. Albus had become Headmaster in the meantime, and had nothing but trouble finding someone good to replace Mrs. Bluebell.

Once I settled at Hogwarts and took up teaching, Albus and I worked together as colleagues as if it never could have been different. We were like a good oiled machine together, much like a tandem. The second lonely night of my stay at Hogwarts, Albus invited me to his office for a game of chess. That night something happened which would change my life forever. I told him that after two years, I hadn't recognized his voice anymore, somewhere between putting him check-mate, and watching him pull his brows into a frown while pondering. He was very quiet about it, and just…smiled. Then I said he, however, had still recognized me nevertheless. He then slowly pulled off his glasses, and eyed me with those mesmerizing blue eyes, asking me if I really had no idea why. I had looked at him in near shock, uttering, "Do you mean that… You… me too?"

He sighed, and nodded, saying, "I did." I didn't miss past tense, and ran from his office in tears. Why now? I had wanted to hear these words all my time at Hogwarts. I was on the point of moving in with another, and was finally over him. Whereas I had thought that after him showing up at the Ministry, I maybe wasn't over him like I thought, I then was positively sure. I had never been over him in any way at all. What scared me most was that after not having seen him for that long, and even though the situation, I actually loved him more, and in more ways than I could ever love Harvey. I was angry at him for mentioning it now, for mentioning it ever, knowing we could never be together. What would people say about the age difference?

Harvey must have noticed something going on in my letters. In the weekend following my first week at Hogwarts as a teacher, we met each other at Hogsmeade. Harvey didn't need more than a glance to know something was amiss. He guessed right at once, asking if it was or wasn't Albus. I nodded, even though not saying more. Even for a man, he was highly intuitive, and told me to go hard for my dreams. He had known I would never love him as much, and that I had never been his truly, nor ever would be as long Albus Dumbledore was alive. Harvey let me go, and I was alone again.

The irony of it all is, that Albus approached me that night after dinner in nearly the same way. Heartbroken I told him, that Harvey and I had parted ways, for he knew I would never be his. Albus didn't need more of a cue to know what I was talking about. Due to the situation with Harvey and mine's sex life, I still have no idea whether I should consider myself a virgin or not anymore when Albus and I ended on the desk in my office that night. It hurt quite a bit to deal with his impressively long, thick shaft, but Albus was careful yet very eager. He said that he actually loved me right after spilling himself into me, and we both lay panting on the desk. I returned them, hoping that I would get what I wanted, namely him. I proved myself amiss that morning.

Upon waking at his side the next morning after we somehow ended up in my bed together, Albus was rather cold, and distant. He all but ran from the office, muttering something about the worst mistake he had ever made. I tried talking to him, but he being Albus somehow always found a way to be faster than me.

I began to take up old habits again, and ripped nearly all of my office apart that Sunday morning, looking for something sharp that could be used for my habits. I took grace with a piece of the vase that had stood on my desk, but found that I no longer had enough with it. Crying, almost happy for the bad weather that kept the pupils inside, I made my way to the Lake. I didn't care about the rain soaking me, and had gazed at the water longingly, wondering how long it would take for the cold salty water to end my life, and how it would be feeling. I wondered if the end of the heartbreak would come together with the end of my life. I didn't know, but to me it was maybe worth the gamble. I never learned how to swim. I would be helpless in the deep water.

I swallowed, secretly hoping for his voice to appear, saying he had only made a mistake in leaving me, and that he really loved me. He never came, though. When I was sure he wouldn't either, I gathered all of my Gryffindor courage, and jumped. The cold immediately stung about me, as if thousands of knives were stabbing into me from everywhere. I felt like I was suffocating; that I couldn't breathe anymore. The pain into my chest intensified, and then suddenly took off again.

The next I recall is Albus sitting on his knees beside me as I lay on the side of the Lake. I must have gone unconscious. As I opened my eyes, and saw his face mere inches from mine, I knew he must have come in the end, and possibly saved me. Some part of me tried to make me believe that was because Albus loved me. Another said that was just mere coincidence, and I hated myself for not having jumped sooner. It all would have been over by then.

Seeing me awake, Albus wrapped me in a rather thick towel, and carried me over to the Hospital Wing. The matron, Mrs. Smith, was told I had fallen into the Lake. She never asked questions, even though her look when Albus had told her that lie, had showed her disbelief. Especially when she in undressing me, and getting me in something warm, and dry, noticed the scars and wounds on my arm. I was too weak to even ponder about them anymore. Mrs. Smith kicked a very concerned Albus from the infirmary to take care of me. After she had patched me up, Albus was soon allowed at the bedside again. He must have seen the scars before, too. I didn't dare look at him. I knew, and know it was and is stupid, but I rather hurt myself than others. I learned to deal with things that way… I talk about a lot, but when it comes to it, I only talk about the shallow.

I recall how Albus wrapped his arms around me, and curled up in bed beside me, tears dripping into my hair. I initially fought, fists hitting against his chest, but in the end had to give up for I was too weak. I fell asleep, and woke in his arms. In the morning he gravely apologized for his behavior of earlier, that had lead me to such foolish behavior, but that it never should have happened. I was worthy of more than him.

Hurt still from how Albus had fled after taking my virginity, I fled from him after I had fulfilled my weeks as a substitute. I resigned over at the Ministry, even though they actually offered me the same job back. I moved into a smaller studio, and lived in London for a couple of years. I had short sexual and meaningless relationships. I worked here and there in Diagon Alley to make a living, whether it was sorting books at Flourish and Blotts or helping sell ice cream at Fabian's parlor.

At the age of thirty-one, after years of reckless living in which both my mother, and father died – sadly for their own goodness – never to see their only daughter become the way I had, I got a letter from Hogwarts, from Albus, offering me a remaining position as a Transfiguration Professor. After figuring I no longer could live the way I did anymore, for I had become a bit too old for that, I accepted. I would make sure that Albus and I never ended together alone again.

I didn't keep my promise, though. I still loved Albus more than anything. I never knew if the professor position was a hidden love game or not, but a year after I had been hired, we married. We're married for over forty years today.


End file.
